Random Ramblings

Procrastinating the Inevitable...

Dear guys in front of me at Subway tonight...

By thePatrick

Hi. First of all, I want to thank the Subway people. I think employing two people to work during the dinner rush is a swell idea. Kudos to you. Because of the wait, I had to opportunity to sit behind you two love crazed baboons and your dates. Now, I'm not a girl, and I haven't been one for a while. And while I am married and feel as though I want to give you advice on what to say so that you can get a girl, it's really not my place to help you out there. But what I can do is offer you a few pointers on how not to sound like a couple of people so dense that cabbage feels smart when it hangs out with you.

1) If you look like you currently are on an LDS mission, you aren't going to convince anyone when you talk about how you "rock out hard to Metallica," or that you think "the more a band yells, the better their music is." No. Metallica sucks. There, I said it.
2) You are not convincing anyone of your technical prowess by explaining to your dates that you stream episodes of Monk from the USA website.
3) If you are trying to impress a girl about going to a concert and you don't even know the names of the bands you are going to go see, you probably should just leave it alone.
4) If a ticket to said concert costs $12, and the service charge is $4.95, that makes your ticket $16.95, not "over $20" like you claimed.
5) It's not cute when you ask the girl who is not your date if you can touch her toenails. That's just effing weird.
6) Also, no matter how cool you think it is, you should never brag to your dates that you down 2000 calories per meal on the weekends. Fat pigs are not equal to guys that get second dates.
7) Ditto point 6 when bragging about your epic Dungeons and Dragons battles that last "seriously like five and a half hours."

In summation, thank you for reminding me of yet another reason that I'm glad I'm married. I hope you all get fire cancer and die, or at the very least, choke to death on the three fistfulls of olives that you made the Subway girl put on your footlong. I have officially run out of words that express my disgust towards you.


Crap! I could have used those pointers a few weeks ago... I thought touching a girls toe nails was comparable to second base? ;)

They wouldn't have been at the wal mart subway would they...otherwise, I may have gotten YOUR people mixed with MY people who were talking about all 4of them fitting in the mini mouse ride at the childs fun center at the front of the store AT THE SAME TIME!! Na, couldn't be, not THAT many nut jobs in cache valley. On second thought...People are stupid

I know I already told you this, but I figure I'll put it out there again.

This is why I hated dating. I won at life by getting the wife who was ok with only going on maybe one date before we got engaged...YAY!

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