Random Ramblings

Procrastinating the Inevitable...

This Coming Sunday...

By thePatrick

We will be blessing Tegan on August 3rd. For those of you who don't know about it already, I figured that posting something on the blog would give you a heads up. Also, it would be a good way to show off our latest pictures of Tegan. The blessing will be at the LDS church on the corner of 300 North and 100 East in Logan at 9 am. For those of you who don't know, a blessing is kind of like a Christening. Also, what event would be complete without a little food. We will be doing a picnic like thing afterwards, so feel free to stick around.

A brief explination of different Philosophies...

By thePatrick

As some of you know, I am a Philosophy minor. I think that I would be a Philosophy major, but I didn't realize that until I had 3 semesters left to graduate in History. Either way, I'm a big nerd. A lot of people don't really get philosophy, or what the differences are that philosophers think up. This post on the USU Philosophy page helps clarify major beliefs.

Here is the situation. You are in a crowded room, and you want to cross the room to get to the bar (for a ginger ale, of course). A philosopher is next to you. What advice does he give?

Socrates: “Obviously, nothing is more important than getting to the bar. Why do all these people seem to ignore what is most important? Let us berate them for their foolishness, and convince them that they should be moving toward the bar.”

Hegel: “The crowd is actually a line for the bar. Just be patient and stay in your place.”

Nietzsche: “Let’s creep along the wall, and fantasize about the one who will be able to leap over the crowd.”

Epictetus (the Stoic): “Don’t want to go to the bar. Want to stay where you are.”

Thoreau: “Let’s go out the window and go around.”

Christianity (according to Nietzsche): “Convince everyone that the bar is evil; that should clear the way for us!”

Buddha: “The bar is within you.”

I liked this. Maybe this still makes no sense, but either way, it's a good time. Now, we all can have deep philosophical discussions about the best way to get to the bar for that ginger ale.

My Most Recent Tangle with a Heinous Corporation...

By thePatrick

There are very few things in life that I can actually say I hate. Possibly only even a handful. As much as they freak me out, I don't hate fireworks. I don't hate people who walk slowly in front of me, or go up the stairs on the wrong side. I don't even hate people who get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up. I do, however, and especially after tonight, HATE Wal-mart.

Unfortunately, like a few of you, I have had the opportunity on many occasions to spend my hard earned money at Wal-Mart. I'm poor, and it's conveniently located close to home. Also, it's just down the road from work, so we buy our groceries there. Yes, it's depressing that I can tell most people where to find something in the grocery part of any Wal-Mart. Anyway, allow me to recount this evening's experience.

For those of you who don't know, we have a baby, and she poops. A lot. Tonight, I have to work a grave (hence the posting this blog at the time I'm posting it) and so I thought I would swing by good old Wal-Mart and buy me some snacky-snacks and baby some diapers. You know, to help combat the poop situation. Or, at least to have her be less than naked. I had to be to work at 11:00, so I left home at around 10:45 to run to the store and still be at work in plenty of time. Remember, I know my way around the store, so, I was standing in the "Express" lane at 10:55. It takes literally dozens of seconds to drive to work from there, so I thought I was sitting pretty. Then, for whatever reason, they closed the lane I was standing in. And two other "Express" lanes, leaving only one still running.

A side note: for whatever reason, the North Logan Wal-Mart is the only one in the history of the universe that doesn't have a self checkout. Normally, I'm against checking and bagging my own groceries, but there are some cases where it would be nice. Just pointing out that it was not even an option in this case.

Anyway, the one checker who was left is the kind of guy who gives the kids I work with hope, because he proves that anyone can get a job. And I mean anyone. He's a really nice guy, but a little on the slow side. A few fries short of a happy meal. Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. I guess I'm trying to say that he works the late night/grave shift at Wal-Mart for a reason. So, he was going at his normal turtle pace, and it got to be 11:05 or so. There was only one lady in front of me. She was buying normal grocery things, yogurt, a case of Pepsi, hamburger buns, eggs, etc. When high speed got to her eggs, he couldn't find a bar code. So, he asked her if she knew what they cost. Somehow, between the two of them, they decided that 18 eggs cost $3.00. When she went to pay, she used her food stamp card (which I have no problem with) and the total was about 23 cents over what she had. So, she told him to take off the Pepsi so she could go. He tried, I guess, and pushed about a brazillion buttons. This caused the register to freeze and his supervisor had to come over. In a very nice way, she told him that his guess on the price of eggs was wrong, and that he shouldn't just guess prices. Oh, and that he had to rescan everything. And that, Chris and Blake, is why I don't need a concealed weapons permit. While waiting in line I had multiple visions of going on a rampage and mowing down people. Again, as long as I don't act on those, I should be okay, right?

So, baby has diapers, but they are in the car here at work with me. She should survive the night. I got some snacks, and was only in line for 20 minutes before I got out of there. Boy, do I hate that place...

How to Make a Unicorn Shower...

By thePatrick

Step by step instructions so you can follow along at home!

1. Find a Unicorn - preferably a very happy one. Happy unicorns have bigger tear ducts and probably less swelling around the eyes. Makes hooking up the shower a lot easier.

2. Get yourself a lot of markers - preferably in beautiful shades of colors.

3. Here's the tricky part - Unicorns cry when they see beautiful things. Through a series of color tests with the markers, figure out what your unicorn responds to. Once you've identified what your unicorn thinks is beautiful (you can tell because it will immediately start crying and making a low whinnying sound), then just start drawing that all over the place.

4. If you don't have enough markers to literally draw all over the "place" so that everywhere your unicorn looks he/she will be confronted by beautiful things, you mingh want to strap your unicorn down into a stall and lock it's head into a forward looking position. Then, place a beautiful drawing in front of each of his/her eyes. Locking the head into position using multiple harnesses will also make affixing the faucet much easier.

5. Using standard plumbing pipes, attach a pipe to each tear duct - located just under the eye. But, make sure not to obscure the unicorn's view of the beautiful pictures with the pipes! That will stop the tears from flowing. Unless somehow you've managed to put tiny beautiful drawings of beautiful things inside each pipe. But then you'd also need a light source in there and rigging that up without electrocuting the unicorn is tough.

6. Run the two pipes from each tear duct to a single shower faucet.

7. Make a nice shower room under the unicorn and get ready to have the best shower of your life!

A Quick Blog to Vent Some Frustrations...

By thePatrick

Dear Nationwide Health Insurance,

Bite me.


The Worst Nemesis to Have...

By thePatrick

There are some people who, for whatever reason, decide that they are going to be someone's arch enemy. Somebody with something to prove. And those people always seem to have to prove it at the expense of others. Now, a lot of thought has gone into this post. I've talked it over with some people, and realized that there are some exceptions, like if your arch rival is a giant talking ear of corn, but generally, there is a universal rule that applies to everyone, at least those with some semblance of a conscience. The world's worst nemesis is the person who it is socially unacceptable to beat down.

Case in point: about a month ago, the weather was nice as I got off of work one Saturday afternoon, and decided that, rather than bug my 8 1/2 month pregnant wife for a ride, I would just walk. So, along the street I strolled, drowning out the argumentative voices in my head with my always handy iPod. About 100 yards into my walk, two girls, who could have been no older than 7, jumped out at me from behind a fence. Already easily startled due to past life experiences, I'm not a big fan of people jumping out to scare me. Normally, I would have at least yelled at someone, but in this case, I could only smile. Why, because it's not "right" for me to choke slam two seven year old girls to the ground.

The first case is someone you work with, especially if you are in the human services department. That lady who just brought back her hamburger for the um-teenth time cannot be roundhouse kicked to the face, no matter how deserving she may be. The lard who made you pull out 17 different pairs of jeans from the back room and then walked away without buying anything, not even a pack of gum from the register, he gets off scott free because no matter how much you want to rip out his spinal column and beat him with it, it's wrong. And, because you like being employed, there is absolutely nothing you can do to your boss. Ever. Period.

Anyone who has lower social standing than you is also off limits. Perhaps, an illustrated diagram would help out. Take this first picture. Now, I can only assume that some punk with a black belt in karate comes and tries to take the lunch money of a poor amputee. The amputee is in the right to defend himself with force. In image two, we see some punk in a wheelchair come onto the scene. We already so know that the amputee can take care of himself, but it is socially unacceptable for a guy with one leg to fight a guy with no working legs, so he gets taken down, thereby improving the self esteem of the wheelchair thug. Now, with an inflated ego, wheelchair thug goes over to the already deflated karate black belt and gives him a hip check or something of that nature just for good measure. Jerk. Nobody can touch him. He's in a wheelchair, and that makes him off limits. And he knows it. He's coming for you next, and there's nothing you can do.

So, there you have it. None of your customers can be beaten. Your boss is strictly off limits. And as long as there is someone of lower social standing, you can't touch them. I don't care if the kid in the wheelchair is taking out your ankles from behind while he hums Nickelback off key while making fun of your grandma. He's off limits, as long as you have one good leg to stand on. Now, fantasizing about throwing people off of cliffs? As long as it's in your mind, it's fair game. And that has gotten me through many a day at work.


By thePatrick

First, I had planned to write up an entire blog on who makes the worst type of nemesis, but that will have to wait until later. Possibly tomorrow. Second, The reason behind the delay? It's that man sitting in a bathtub full of Skittles . REGGIE! Reggie and the Full Effect have come back together. I guess that they would say they never broke up, since they are just one man, so how can you break up with yourself, but they(he) stopped making music for a while. And yesterday (a little behind, but hey, I'm doing the whole dad thing, so give me a break) I found out that the just released a new cd. Norte is on his way, as I type this, to buy it for me. And because my wife loves me, she is letting me go to the SLC show on his farewell tour.

For those of you who don't know, I am a big, big fan of RATFE (it's shorter, and almost makes sense). Cds, t-shirts, stickers, I've got them all. And now I'm going to see him go out in style. If you'd like to join us, feel free. If not, then thanks for letting me ramble on about a band that a vast majority of you have never heard. Nemesis type blog next time! For now, chiggity-check out "Congratulations Smack & Katy," a rat-tastic song and one of the coolest music videos ever.