Random Ramblings

Procrastinating the Inevitable...

This Coming Sunday...

By thePatrick

We will be blessing Tegan on August 3rd. For those of you who don't know about it already, I figured that posting something on the blog would give you a heads up. Also, it would be a good way to show off our latest pictures of Tegan. The blessing will be at the LDS church on the corner of 300 North and 100 East in Logan at 9 am. For those of you who don't know, a blessing is kind of like a Christening. Also, what event would be complete without a little food. We will be doing a picnic like thing afterwards, so feel free to stick around.

A brief explination of different Philosophies...

By thePatrick

As some of you know, I am a Philosophy minor. I think that I would be a Philosophy major, but I didn't realize that until I had 3 semesters left to graduate in History. Either way, I'm a big nerd. A lot of people don't really get philosophy, or what the differences are that philosophers think up. This post on the USU Philosophy page helps clarify major beliefs.

Here is the situation. You are in a crowded room, and you want to cross the room to get to the bar (for a ginger ale, of course). A philosopher is next to you. What advice does he give?

Socrates: “Obviously, nothing is more important than getting to the bar. Why do all these people seem to ignore what is most important? Let us berate them for their foolishness, and convince them that they should be moving toward the bar.”

Hegel: “The crowd is actually a line for the bar. Just be patient and stay in your place.”

Nietzsche: “Let’s creep along the wall, and fantasize about the one who will be able to leap over the crowd.”

Epictetus (the Stoic): “Don’t want to go to the bar. Want to stay where you are.”

Thoreau: “Let’s go out the window and go around.”

Christianity (according to Nietzsche): “Convince everyone that the bar is evil; that should clear the way for us!”

Buddha: “The bar is within you.”

I liked this. Maybe this still makes no sense, but either way, it's a good time. Now, we all can have deep philosophical discussions about the best way to get to the bar for that ginger ale.

My Most Recent Tangle with a Heinous Corporation...

By thePatrick

There are very few things in life that I can actually say I hate. Possibly only even a handful. As much as they freak me out, I don't hate fireworks. I don't hate people who walk slowly in front of me, or go up the stairs on the wrong side. I don't even hate people who get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up. I do, however, and especially after tonight, HATE Wal-mart.

Unfortunately, like a few of you, I have had the opportunity on many occasions to spend my hard earned money at Wal-Mart. I'm poor, and it's conveniently located close to home. Also, it's just down the road from work, so we buy our groceries there. Yes, it's depressing that I can tell most people where to find something in the grocery part of any Wal-Mart. Anyway, allow me to recount this evening's experience.

For those of you who don't know, we have a baby, and she poops. A lot. Tonight, I have to work a grave (hence the posting this blog at the time I'm posting it) and so I thought I would swing by good old Wal-Mart and buy me some snacky-snacks and baby some diapers. You know, to help combat the poop situation. Or, at least to have her be less than naked. I had to be to work at 11:00, so I left home at around 10:45 to run to the store and still be at work in plenty of time. Remember, I know my way around the store, so, I was standing in the "Express" lane at 10:55. It takes literally dozens of seconds to drive to work from there, so I thought I was sitting pretty. Then, for whatever reason, they closed the lane I was standing in. And two other "Express" lanes, leaving only one still running.

A side note: for whatever reason, the North Logan Wal-Mart is the only one in the history of the universe that doesn't have a self checkout. Normally, I'm against checking and bagging my own groceries, but there are some cases where it would be nice. Just pointing out that it was not even an option in this case.

Anyway, the one checker who was left is the kind of guy who gives the kids I work with hope, because he proves that anyone can get a job. And I mean anyone. He's a really nice guy, but a little on the slow side. A few fries short of a happy meal. Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. I guess I'm trying to say that he works the late night/grave shift at Wal-Mart for a reason. So, he was going at his normal turtle pace, and it got to be 11:05 or so. There was only one lady in front of me. She was buying normal grocery things, yogurt, a case of Pepsi, hamburger buns, eggs, etc. When high speed got to her eggs, he couldn't find a bar code. So, he asked her if she knew what they cost. Somehow, between the two of them, they decided that 18 eggs cost $3.00. When she went to pay, she used her food stamp card (which I have no problem with) and the total was about 23 cents over what she had. So, she told him to take off the Pepsi so she could go. He tried, I guess, and pushed about a brazillion buttons. This caused the register to freeze and his supervisor had to come over. In a very nice way, she told him that his guess on the price of eggs was wrong, and that he shouldn't just guess prices. Oh, and that he had to rescan everything. And that, Chris and Blake, is why I don't need a concealed weapons permit. While waiting in line I had multiple visions of going on a rampage and mowing down people. Again, as long as I don't act on those, I should be okay, right?

So, baby has diapers, but they are in the car here at work with me. She should survive the night. I got some snacks, and was only in line for 20 minutes before I got out of there. Boy, do I hate that place...

How to Make a Unicorn Shower...

By thePatrick

Step by step instructions so you can follow along at home!

1. Find a Unicorn - preferably a very happy one. Happy unicorns have bigger tear ducts and probably less swelling around the eyes. Makes hooking up the shower a lot easier.

2. Get yourself a lot of markers - preferably in beautiful shades of colors.

3. Here's the tricky part - Unicorns cry when they see beautiful things. Through a series of color tests with the markers, figure out what your unicorn responds to. Once you've identified what your unicorn thinks is beautiful (you can tell because it will immediately start crying and making a low whinnying sound), then just start drawing that all over the place.

4. If you don't have enough markers to literally draw all over the "place" so that everywhere your unicorn looks he/she will be confronted by beautiful things, you mingh want to strap your unicorn down into a stall and lock it's head into a forward looking position. Then, place a beautiful drawing in front of each of his/her eyes. Locking the head into position using multiple harnesses will also make affixing the faucet much easier.

5. Using standard plumbing pipes, attach a pipe to each tear duct - located just under the eye. But, make sure not to obscure the unicorn's view of the beautiful pictures with the pipes! That will stop the tears from flowing. Unless somehow you've managed to put tiny beautiful drawings of beautiful things inside each pipe. But then you'd also need a light source in there and rigging that up without electrocuting the unicorn is tough.

6. Run the two pipes from each tear duct to a single shower faucet.

7. Make a nice shower room under the unicorn and get ready to have the best shower of your life!

A Quick Blog to Vent Some Frustrations...

By thePatrick

Dear Nationwide Health Insurance,

Bite me.

Sincerely,
Me