The Dumb Is Everywhere...

By thePatrick

A while back, I made a list. Maybe I thought it would be therapeutic if I got it all out of my system. This list involves people that you all see and know. Maybe it involves you. If so, change. What's this list, you ask?

People that Anger Me: a Study in Stupidity.

Brace yourself for a long blog. I'll write them all, but you may want to clear your schedule for a while. I won't go into too much detail, just enough so you know who I'm talking about. And here we go:

The guy who talks/texts on his phone while in the bathroom. The guy who complains about how a bathroom smells when he walks in. The guy that wants to talk to you about anything while you're in the bathroom. The guy at the concert who just bought the bands shirt and is now wearing it. The guy at the concert who keeps yelling out an obscure song title so people think he knows a lot. The guy at the concert who is over 40 (unless it's an age appropriate concert). The sweaty, shirtless crowd surfer. The guy at the game who boos everyone. They guy who calls all the players by their first name because he thinks he's their friend. The guy who sings out loud to his iPod. The guy who can't take his headphones out, even to order a sandwich. The guy who always has to get the last word of an argument. The mumbler. The guy who is the center of every conversation. The guy talking on his phone while standing in line. The guy in class who always asks questions. The guy sitting in the back of class doing his crossword. The old guy in class who has all the life experience. The guy who knows it all. The guy who complains about every assignmetn. The guy who doesn't respect personal boundaries. The guy who sits right next to you when you're at the movies or on a bus and there are plenty of empty seats. The guy who talks to the movie. The guy who goes up the stairs the wrong way. The guy who stands in the middle of the elevator. The guy who walks slow so people can't pass him. The guy who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're." The guy who turns left too sharply and almost hits the front of your car. The guy who cuts you off. The guy who drives ahead of everyone in the median and expects to be allowed to merge. The guy that can't figure out a four way stop. The guy who drives for a block in the bike lane so that he can turn right. The guy who leaves his blinkers on. The guy who leaves his blinkers off. The guy who drives slow in the left lane. The guy who merges in front of you then slams on his brakes. The guy who turns into the wrong lane. The guy who won't pass a cop. The guy who drives the radio on wheels. The guy who lives in his car. Freshmen. People how camp out for movie releases. Vegetarians who try to make you feel guilty. Anyone on a Bluetooth. Eleventeen year olds (aka Prostiteens).

Wow. I hate a lot. Therapy, anyone? Did I miss anyone? I need a nap.

I'm An All-Star...

By thePatrick

Recently, I noticed something about who I am and how I relax. You see, I'm a guy, so naturally, I love video games. And, since I'm more manly than most, I don't really care for those fantasy adventure games. Nope, give me something with sports. But here's the secret to video games.

Don't play video games if it's something that you can do in real life.

What's that? You don't understand? Let me explain. I have a hockey game. Now, I played roller hockey for like 2 months in the street by my house when I was 10, and I would shoot a ball into a garbage can, but that's it. So, I have a hockey game that I play. Plus, you can fight.

When I was growing up I played one season of baseball. Yep, one. We won the championship. I played rover. For those of you who don't know, that means that I was the fourth outfielder. I sucked enough that I didn't even have a real position. But in my baseball video game, I friggin' rock. Take that, HGH.

Again, growing up I played one season of football. Naturally, I have to have a Madden game, but I have a college one, too. Because I'm American. And a guy. I have preposterous amounts of testosterone. Proposterone. I even win when I play with the Detroit Lions. 'Nuff said.

So what did I do growing up? I played basketball and more soccer than anyone outside of Latin America knew existed. So, naturally, I can't own those games. Because that's something I can do in real life.

At least I would if I could pry myself away from the Playstation.

Well That Wasn't a Waste of Time or Anything...

By thePatrick

So, last week I had a text message conversation with my mother-in-law. We're cool like that. You don't have to be jealous. Anyway, the main point of the conversation was so that she could tell me that a police officer drove to her house to arrest her for pumping gas and driving off.

I'll repeat that.

A police officer drove to her house to arrest her for pumping gas and driving off. Her words: "He felt kinda stupid when I pulled out my receipt!" But here's where it gets good. Apparently, before he came over, the officer called her and asked her if she pumped gas today. She said yes. He asked if she even tried to pay for it. She said yes, and she had a receipt. So he called the gas station back, but they said they had her on camera stealing gas. So he came to her house to arrest her.

To her house. To Arrest Her. Even though she had a receipt.

I wish I was making this up. Apparently, every other crime had been solved. Rape? Check. Robbery? Yup. Murders? Yeppers. B&E? You Guessed 'Er Chester. The only thing that's left for our officers to do is to track down 45 year old women so that they can prosecute them for pumping gas and driving off. Your vigilance is astounding. The only other option is that the cop was a rookie. I can picture the role call in the morning now:

Chief: Well, today we don't really have anything to do. Earl, you take a hairdryer down to the corner of Main and 17th and pretend that you're checking for speeders. Pull 'em over if they're hot.
Earl: YES!
Chief: Wayne, you'll be in charge of patrolling by the high school and making menacing gestures at all the band kids.
Wayne: Can do, Chief.
Rookie: What about me, Chief?
Chief: Well, there's this 45 year old lady who pumped gas. The video is fuzzy, so we're going to assume that she's stealing. Lock her up.

Other than that, there's really no logical answer.

Quick edit: This weekend we were up in Idaho Falls so that a) C. could take some wedding photos, and b) I could rip out some walls from my bro-in-law's house. While working on the house, the local law enforcement drove past the house at least half a dozen times, just so that he could scout license plates. When my bro-in-law was driving down the road later, he got pulled over, just so the guy could give him a ticket because his plates were expired. This is the same town where people have broken into buildings and stolen a bunch of stuff, but it's more important to pass out tickets for license expiration than find thieves.

Just saying.

This Monday, Monday, Monday...

By thePatrick

Did you miss me? OF COURSE YOU DID! Well, you may have to tough it out just a little bit longer. But only until Monday. But you'll survive, I promise.

Seriously, stop crying. I can wait.

You see, I caught the blogging bug, and I caught it bad. It's way worse than swine flu or monkey pox, or even fire-eagle disease. School got out for the summer, and I decided to take advantage of some time off. But during my break, I realized that there are still millions and millions of way important things floating around in my brain that I need to get out to YOU, my needy public. So I'm going to be a blogging hero. You may have noticed some subtle changes to the blog already. More may or may not be coming, but one of the things that I'm going to try to be doing is expose people to my awesomeness throughout the week.

Do you think you can handle it?

So, I'm going to try to post more and be more blog like in general. What will I post about? Well, I'm married, so I'm sure I'll write about married stuffs. I'm a dad, so I'm sure I'll post about dad stuffs. I'm in school, so I'll write about school stuffs. I'm a guy, so there will be some guy stuffs. I work, so there will be some work stuffs. The list goes on and on. Still totally random. But I'll give it a go, and we'll see if anyone actually notices. I'm actually pretty excited for it. We'll see if it works.

Sometimes...

By thePatrick

Sometimes, you see something and it makes you think of yourself. Sometimes, you see something that makes you laugh. Sometimes, you see something that makes you think of your best friend. Sometimes, you see something that makes you glad that you are prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. This is one of those times...I found this little ditty here. Enjoy your weekend...