I'll Take A Half-Rack To Go...

By thePatrick

One of the things that I try to do, at least in my own little way, is try to make whatever few readers I have better people.

Seriously. I'll give you time to stop laughing.

Whether it's through expanding your musical tastes every Friday, or reminding you of some of the awesomeness that is on television (Wipeout, The Mighty Boosh), or just helping you see what insurance company is ridiculous (*cough cough* Allstate *cough cough*). I am here for you.

So, in my daily perusings of the interwebs, I came upon this report. There are a few things I like about this. First, it's the fact that UPI.com's slogan is "100 Years of Journalistic Excellence." I like to think that they're talking about a print version somewhere, and not that they believe they've been on the internet since 1909. Second, I like the comment by Mark at the bottom of the page. I like that he uses the phrase "business twits." I also like that he invites people to die in a fire.

So happy!

But, upon looking at the foods there, the ones that stuck out to me were ribs and wings. Of couse, they are only on the list because people think they're a good idea to eat while driving, but who are these people? Who in their right mind goes to a restaurant, one where they serve ribs, and says, "You know what, I'll take mine to go. The 15 minutes it takes me to eat these here and clean up just aren't worth the 15 minutes of driving time I'll lose."

Who are these rib eating drivers? Who is selling ribs from their drive through window? And am I legally allowed to run them off the road with my own car if I see them?

So many questions, so few answers.

The Dumb Is Everywhere...

By thePatrick

A while back, I made a list. Maybe I thought it would be therapeutic if I got it all out of my system. This list involves people that you all see and know. Maybe it involves you. If so, change. What's this list, you ask?

People that Anger Me: a Study in Stupidity.

Brace yourself for a long blog. I'll write them all, but you may want to clear your schedule for a while. I won't go into too much detail, just enough so you know who I'm talking about. And here we go:

The guy who talks/texts on his phone while in the bathroom. The guy who complains about how a bathroom smells when he walks in. The guy that wants to talk to you about anything while you're in the bathroom. The guy at the concert who just bought the bands shirt and is now wearing it. The guy at the concert who keeps yelling out an obscure song title so people think he knows a lot. The guy at the concert who is over 40 (unless it's an age appropriate concert). The sweaty, shirtless crowd surfer. The guy at the game who boos everyone. They guy who calls all the players by their first name because he thinks he's their friend. The guy who sings out loud to his iPod. The guy who can't take his headphones out, even to order a sandwich. The guy who always has to get the last word of an argument. The mumbler. The guy who is the center of every conversation. The guy talking on his phone while standing in line. The guy in class who always asks questions. The guy sitting in the back of class doing his crossword. The old guy in class who has all the life experience. The guy who knows it all. The guy who complains about every assignmetn. The guy who doesn't respect personal boundaries. The guy who sits right next to you when you're at the movies or on a bus and there are plenty of empty seats. The guy who talks to the movie. The guy who goes up the stairs the wrong way. The guy who stands in the middle of the elevator. The guy who walks slow so people can't pass him. The guy who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're." The guy who turns left too sharply and almost hits the front of your car. The guy who cuts you off. The guy who drives ahead of everyone in the median and expects to be allowed to merge. The guy that can't figure out a four way stop. The guy who drives for a block in the bike lane so that he can turn right. The guy who leaves his blinkers on. The guy who leaves his blinkers off. The guy who drives slow in the left lane. The guy who merges in front of you then slams on his brakes. The guy who turns into the wrong lane. The guy who won't pass a cop. The guy who drives the radio on wheels. The guy who lives in his car. Freshmen. People how camp out for movie releases. Vegetarians who try to make you feel guilty. Anyone on a Bluetooth. Eleventeen year olds (aka Prostiteens).

Wow. I hate a lot. Therapy, anyone? Did I miss anyone? I need a nap.

Dear guys in front of me at Subway tonight...

By thePatrick

Hi. First of all, I want to thank the Subway people. I think employing two people to work during the dinner rush is a swell idea. Kudos to you. Because of the wait, I had to opportunity to sit behind you two love crazed baboons and your dates. Now, I'm not a girl, and I haven't been one for a while. And while I am married and feel as though I want to give you advice on what to say so that you can get a girl, it's really not my place to help you out there. But what I can do is offer you a few pointers on how not to sound like a couple of people so dense that cabbage feels smart when it hangs out with you.

1) If you look like you currently are on an LDS mission, you aren't going to convince anyone when you talk about how you "rock out hard to Metallica," or that you think "the more a band yells, the better their music is." No. Metallica sucks. There, I said it.
2) You are not convincing anyone of your technical prowess by explaining to your dates that you stream episodes of Monk from the USA website.
3) If you are trying to impress a girl about going to a concert and you don't even know the names of the bands you are going to go see, you probably should just leave it alone.
4) If a ticket to said concert costs $12, and the service charge is $4.95, that makes your ticket $16.95, not "over $20" like you claimed.
5) It's not cute when you ask the girl who is not your date if you can touch her toenails. That's just effing weird.
6) Also, no matter how cool you think it is, you should never brag to your dates that you down 2000 calories per meal on the weekends. Fat pigs are not equal to guys that get second dates.
7) Ditto point 6 when bragging about your epic Dungeons and Dragons battles that last "seriously like five and a half hours."

In summation, thank you for reminding me of yet another reason that I'm glad I'm married. I hope you all get fire cancer and die, or at the very least, choke to death on the three fistfulls of olives that you made the Subway girl put on your footlong. I have officially run out of words that express my disgust towards you.