Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the LG Venus from Verizon Wireless. Featuring a pretty nifty camera for a cell phone, a touch screen on the lower 1/3 of the face, and an opportunity to go to your local Verizon dealer every three to six months.

I speak from experience.

My journey with this phone first began around Christmas time of 2007. My old phone was exactly that, old. It wasn't quite the brick of justice, but it would sure hold a charge for literally dozens of minutes. Maybe that's an exaggeration.

But 6 hours isn't.

So, like most of the public, I was duped into believing that every two years I needed a new phone. And, just at that time, there were these neat-o-keen television commercials that featured dancing silhouettes rocking out while they talked on the phone, texted, and generally lived a much cooler life than I was leading with my Star Trek communicator flip phone.

So, I went to the store and got the Venus. All was right with the world. Until about March. About then, the phone decided that texting anything more than a three letter response to someone was bunk. People just shouldn't do that. Oh, and I was down in Salt Lake when this happened. I sent a lot of 'yup,' 'yep' and 'nah'. So I took it into the store, and they said it was a 'software update' problem.

I didn't get the update.

So, they updated my phone, and sent me on my merry little way. Until about October. About then, my phone died. Straight up committed suicide. At least that's what the coroner ruled. And the poor thing was living such a tragic life that it didn't even leave a note.

What was I supposed to tell the children?

Luckily, the phone was still under warranty, so they replaced it for free. But then, again this March, the phone did that stupid text thing. Again a quick fix. But tonight, tonight was something special.

My battery decided that living was dumb.

It was fine. It was charged. I didn't drop the phone. Not in water, not on the floor, not in the mud on a driving adventure. When I plugged the phone in, it said that it was fully charged. When I unplugged it, the screen went black. Not even powering off.

I was being shunned by my phone.

So, long story short, we trekked into the Verizon store, and they didn't have the battery in stock. So, I'm now phoneless. I don't now how I feel about that. They are mailing me a new battery, and it should be here Thursday. We'll see how I survive without a phone. Wish me luck.